Heart Believe

When the tears fall and they won’t stop,

I often wonder if my Father in Heaven sees me?

Some days are harder than others.

When you want things to be amazing and carefree…but they are not.

Sometimes it feels easier to just sit alone in the corner,

Because my voice cannot be heard by others.

Here is the kicker…

Gratitude is so important.

And He is Here.

He is teaching me to rely on Him more.

He quiets the storm inside and He collects my tears.

He loves all of us so much.

Deep breath.

Jesus, I need you so much.

I desire healing…

Please wash over me.

I press into you with all that I am.

I seek you.

– KI

Internal Scream

I don’t know if it is just me,

But I struggle with this tug-of-war,

Heels dug in the ground,

Jaw clenched and sweat on the brow.

Pull, as if to run away, but also to say No!

How do you learn to vocalize the scream?

Where is it safe to do so?

Will other people think I’m weird?

What will it sound like?

A Barbaric Yarp or a mix of shrieking with gasping?

I just struggle with the swirling of the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the joy and the pain.

I keep trying to learn the balance between talking and not talking. Sometimes it feels as if it is easier to say nothing at all.

Here I am.

Waving my hands.

Like an S.O.S.

Visions of breakthrough….

Anything can happen…

Jesus, is it safer to be alone?

To not be a burden to anyone?

To stroll solo without any ties to anyone?

To not share for the fear of abandonment?

Maybe easier?

To be a turtle, to lock up the hurt inside and throw the key away.

To realize that I’m not really here.

It is all temporary.

My home is not here.

It is in Heaven.

Every time I try to dig deep and be me to those close relationships…

I always watch them walk away and I learn that yet again I’m not supposed to say anything.

I’m supposed to care, to love, to be there always listening.

Deep breath, I can’t breathe!

The tears,

I dislike those so much!

I wish I had a magic wand to take away all of the hurt and pain that you and I feel.

Shattered life, Shattered me…

Only He can put the pieces back together.

Please remember that everyone is facing a battle and conversations are so very important.

Postcards sure,

Email sure,

Text sure,

But the really deep connecting stuff,

That is what God desires for us to find only with those He has appointed there in that place.

He is the healer and loving Father.

To trust Him.

To stop talking.

To love Him.

To bow my head.

Peace Be Still.

Multifaceted Storm

The storm inside collides
Prickly Pear
The feelings are multifaceted
Shades of Gray

Feeling Raw
Exposed
I cannot hide behind the facade
The mask that I’m so accustomed to
I just can’t
Every inch of my body is screaming
Stinging
Yelling at me and at everything around me
The storm
It swirls around.

I cannot move.

Whoosh…thorns, claws…whoosh!
Swallowing me whole
I cannot breathe

The back of my neck is tense
My lungs do not want to cooperate
Come On Baby, Breathe

The tears that wait at bay
The deep searing ache in your chest
Every single sound hurts my ears and head
Stop Talking
Stop caring
Stop it!
Come On Baby, Breathe

The med train keeps rolling
Even though at times it doesn’t help
At All
Arms heavy with guilt, shame, fear…
Perspiration dots my forehead,
I feel alone even in a public space
I need to scream
I dont know how, it will not come out!

Stop, Stop, Stop
Do Not Love Me
I Do Not Deserve it
Come On Baby, Breathe.

It is hard when you feel like you just keep treading water without a shore to bring hope…

There is a hand reaching with such transparent power and might…
His grip clenches my wrist as I am sinking…
I cannot breathe.
I don’t want to breathe.
Come On Baby, Breathe…

Tears drench His face, the love in His forever eyes.
He loves me deeply.
He will never give up on me and He is there.
As He pulls and quickly envelops me in His wings…

The warmth
The quickened heartbeat
The concerned brow
The countenance of unconditional love
Freedom can only be found in Him.

Come On Baby, He’s Got you, Breathe.

Inner Chaos

Tears

Tidal waves

Hope

The light that breaks the darkness

The sun that shines through the black array of clouds.

A flicker to a bright flame.

It burns.

Crumbs of love

Swirling, intense feelings

Needing oxygen

Fighting to swim

Breathe

Unbalanced, losing footing

Dig deep

The intense emotional rush

Slamming into you, into everything

That crashing sound

The stillness that plateaus

Help me Jesus to rest in your arms.

The Tears Fall

You keep giving until there is nothing left,

You fight your demons until you drag,

You tell yourself you are okay every day,

Deep inside the box, the broken things spill,

Deep inside your childlike faith is choking,

Deep inside your emotions collide,

He is There!

He is meeting you in the storm!

He is not afraid of the messiness inside!

You feel alone,

You feel exhausted,

You feel like giving up,

The Tears Fall…

Wet on my cheeks,

Down my face to my shirt,

No! My hands fly to my face.

Stop the ugly tears, just stop, stop!

My heart quickens,

My breathing… panting,

My eyes burn with pain and anger.

I rock back and forth,

I start wondering if He is really there,

I am determined to seek Him.

In the darkest corners of what’s left of my heart, I want Him, I need Him more. Surrendering the deepest hurts and trusting Him is so important in building faith. My heavenly Father who is a Mighty Warrior…who Loves me…who died for me.

Speak Life

I am fearfully and wonderfully made,

I am the daughter of the Mighty King,

I am loved, accepted and chosen.

I am His.

To my knees, I pray.

To my Father, I speak softly with reverence.

To my feelings, I say…Not today Satan!

The Tears Fall.

Jesus, I need you.

Jesus, please hold me.

Jesus, I cannot face this alone.

Jesus, please help me to cling to you.

…..Now Breathe….

His hand is extended….

He’s waiting for you.

He’s got you baby girl.

He’s got you in His arms.

Be Still.