Internal Scream

I don’t know if it is just me,

But I struggle with this tug-of-war,

Heels dug in the ground,

Jaw clenched and sweat on the brow.

Pull, as if to run away, but also to say No!

How do you learn to vocalize the scream?

Where is it safe to do so?

Will other people think I’m weird?

What will it sound like?

A Barbaric Yarp or a mix of shrieking with gasping?

I just struggle with the swirling of the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the joy and the pain.

I keep trying to learn the balance between talking and not talking. Sometimes it feels as if it is easier to say nothing at all.

Here I am.

Waving my hands.

Like an S.O.S.

Visions of breakthrough….

Anything can happen…

Jesus, is it safer to be alone?

To not be a burden to anyone?

To stroll solo without any ties to anyone?

To not share for the fear of abandonment?

Maybe easier?

To be a turtle, to lock up the hurt inside and throw the key away.

To realize that I’m not really here.

It is all temporary.

My home is not here.

It is in Heaven.

Every time I try to dig deep and be me to those close relationships…

I always watch them walk away and I learn that yet again I’m not supposed to say anything.

I’m supposed to care, to love, to be there always listening.

Deep breath, I can’t breathe!

The tears,

I dislike those so much!

I wish I had a magic wand to take away all of the hurt and pain that you and I feel.

Shattered life, Shattered me…

Only He can put the pieces back together.

Please remember that everyone is facing a battle and conversations are so very important.

Postcards sure,

Email sure,

Text sure,

But the really deep connecting stuff,

That is what God desires for us to find only with those He has appointed there in that place.

He is the healer and loving Father.

To trust Him.

To stop talking.

To love Him.

To bow my head.

Peace Be Still.

The Mighty Warrior

You can’t see it, but you can feel it…

If you close your eyes, you can sense it…

His feathers on your face, soft, gentle, with affection…

He loves you more than you know. It is a love that surpasses all understanding.

How can He love so unconditionally? Because He is who He says His is…

He is the Mighty Warrior, the Prince of Peace, the True Vine, the Good Shepherd and the Light of the World.

He first loved us… He knit us together… He chose to die on the cross to give us direct access to the Father.

I want to go deeper and further with Jesus…

The racing heart, the cluttered mind, the deep deep hurt that cannot be undone…

Or so it seems…

You walk outside, the wind whips around you, in the storm, He is there.

He is there…He stiffens His arms to shield you and love you through it all.

He exclaims, Child put on my Father’s armor!

Even if it means that I must work through the pain to find freedom in Him.

I will move forward.

Breathe…

Inhale…Exhale….

Inhale…Exhale…

Inhale…Exhale…

His love is all that matters.

His embrace, His guidance, His Call.

I am His child.

Hold on tight, you must go on.

He is the Mighty Warrior, He’s got you.

-KI

Two Left, Two Right and One in the Middle

For Fun…

In the land of virtual gaming including console and PC gaming…

You will find that there are short sentences of instructions or game chat that occurs between fireteam members or the 6v6 teams or whatever game format you are playing that can be quite hilarious at times or even frustrating when communicating live via mic.

Here are some examples of the banter between my friends and I hanging out in different games over time…

For you gamers out there… you will totally understand… trust me. Enjoy.

Why did he just message me saying nice camping? I mean it is a skill to not blink and shoot the first thing that comes in the cave.

Guys, guys… seriously… revive me. Yo, I dont care how many enemies are around…come revive me!

Seriously, 2-21 K/D…? Please throw your console out of the window.

Advice: You know… break it down and upgrade… The response: I have no legendary marks…. (sniffle).

Bathroom break….please. (In response)… put a claymore near your body and you have martyrdom on too… so you are good to go!

Team says in unison, don’t die you are the last guardian!… Titan reply… Look at me, I’m Mary Poppins!

(Game)…Access denied…(Player) There has to be a glitch around this.

Pew…pew…pew!

Hey look, I’m jumping on your head

Catch me if you can!… Then misses the turn and flies off the cliff… *facepalm*

I’m hiding, come find me… after 5 minutes of silence… there is laughter…duh, you can see my location on the map…we are in the same fireteam

Let’s dance. (Player likes to dance everywhere)

Jazz hands!!!

Player 1 yells: Keep fighting! (Everyone’s healthbars are blinking red)

Team: Ok we get it, Jesus loves you… Player 2: He loves you too! Player 3: Let’s dance!

I’m jumping on your head!

Team leader: 2 go left, 2 go right, I’ll protect the middle. And go. 3 minutes later…. why are you on the right, when you are supposed to be left? No, go left! G-o Left! Really?

Sneaky sneaky.

Seek Him in all that you do.

– KI

Not Going Anywhere

A friend sent me a song today to listen to…  It is called “Not Going Anywhere” by House on a Hill.  Songs really speak to me.  It is one of the ways that Jesus speaks to me.

He truly does speak.

This song in particular revealed to me that He does hear us even though we might feel or think that He doesn’t a lot of the time.

BUT… God does listen.

Here is what I am hearing from Him today.

  • Yes, I know it is hard for you to trust that my love or any love is safe.
  • He will never ever leave me.
  • Even when I unload my junk from life or the sins that I may have been caught up in… He is not going anywhere!  He is staying right there with me, fighting with me and for me.  He is here.  No matter what.  I might say…but.  But, God is not leaving.
  • I am not perfect, BUT He is.  I struggle with perfectionism and even trying to please other people.  When I am me, raw, naked, just me… I am not perfect alone, But I am made perfect in Him alone.
  • I am still learning and growing… He is still there and not going anywhere.
  • When I can’t breathe, He is there and not going anywhere.
  • Even when I feel like I keep messing things up in life, He is there to redirect and teach me more about who He is and that I can trust Him.
  • In those moments of fear, He is there and saying, I’ve Got This, Fear is a Liar.

I may be messy, imperfect, fearful and afraid of loving and trusting…

Only He can make me whole.

He is NOT going anywhere and He Does NOT break promises.

Here is the Link to the song: https://binged.it/2FEHeJk

couple holding hands love people
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