Internal Scream

I don’t know if it is just me,

But I struggle with this tug-of-war,

Heels dug in the ground,

Jaw clenched and sweat on the brow.

Pull, as if to run away, but also to say No!

How do you learn to vocalize the scream?

Where is it safe to do so?

Will other people think I’m weird?

What will it sound like?

A Barbaric Yarp or a mix of shrieking with gasping?

I just struggle with the swirling of the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the joy and the pain.

I keep trying to learn the balance between talking and not talking. Sometimes it feels as if it is easier to say nothing at all.

Here I am.

Waving my hands.

Like an S.O.S.

Visions of breakthrough….

Anything can happen…

Jesus, is it safer to be alone?

To not be a burden to anyone?

To stroll solo without any ties to anyone?

To not share for the fear of abandonment?

Maybe easier?

To be a turtle, to lock up the hurt inside and throw the key away.

To realize that I’m not really here.

It is all temporary.

My home is not here.

It is in Heaven.

Every time I try to dig deep and be me to those close relationships…

I always watch them walk away and I learn that yet again I’m not supposed to say anything.

I’m supposed to care, to love, to be there always listening.

Deep breath, I can’t breathe!

The tears,

I dislike those so much!

I wish I had a magic wand to take away all of the hurt and pain that you and I feel.

Shattered life, Shattered me…

Only He can put the pieces back together.

Please remember that everyone is facing a battle and conversations are so very important.

Postcards sure,

Email sure,

Text sure,

But the really deep connecting stuff,

That is what God desires for us to find only with those He has appointed there in that place.

He is the healer and loving Father.

To trust Him.

To stop talking.

To love Him.

To bow my head.

Peace Be Still.

The Pursuit

Shivering,

Shaking,

I’m tired of running,

From You.

Why do I Run?

Empty

….But God, there is Hope

Confused

….But God, there is Understanding

Anger

….But God, there is Freedom

Staring into the darkness,

He beckons in the bright light,

Where did the flowers go?

Why does the warmth from the sun fade?

It is He who is strong enough to help,

To listen, comfort, strengthen, love…

To love you…

Even if you decide to run,

To let go, to jump, to lose yourself.

It is here…

At the end of myself,

I find you.

When I cannot breathe,

I find you.

The fighting and deep whimpers,

Learning to grasp the next line by speaking life!

I am not alone, for you are with me.

Pappa, Jesus…

Might I just say,

I’m still seeking You.

River Break

A new day.

A new chance.

The journey of the twisted river.

The streams churning, the drops that splash off of the jagged rocks and cover my legs.

Bare feet sinking in the murky sand.

Do I dare to continue the journey?

When there is so much fury?

The hope beyond the horizon,

The Son is beckoning,

Hand outstretched and shielding the light,

This is going to be a fight!

The Warrior spirit stirs within,

Stand firm, eyes focused, clenched fists,

Stretch, Pull, Bend, Extend,

Release the taut posture,

Open…Close; Inhale…Exhale,

Just a little bit more,

Release the barbaric yarp,

The deep, sharp, gentle and soft guttural sounds,

Let it flow, Let it go!

I might break!

The river is flowing,

What do you choose?

To fight for eternal love,

River, Break.

Mending and Renewal

He is a physician who is working diligently to mend you.

It can send your feelings reeling or bring you to a place of being in agreement with your heavenly father who knows what is best.

Bending and emptying yourself so that the space can be renewed and then filled by the Holy spirit.

Then coming to agreement with Jesus…that…His will be done. He fights for you, He loves you, He is your champion and will never leave you.

Separating emotions from intellectual thinking to allow for differentiation of self to become more like God the Father is the process He has called us to be immersed in for His timing and purposes.

Though it may not make sense, He is moving on your behalf, He is preparing the way, He is loving on you…if you let Him.

Choose to surrender everything because He cares for you.

Let Him Work in You

We all are told that the Lord is our Father, our Prince of Peace, the Almighty Counselor

But

Do you let Him do what He needs to do in your life?

I know I struggle with complete surrender of those deep places of pain and hurt. But as my friend reminded me…He can fix it, if we let Him.

He is a gentleman and will not cross your boundaries unless you want Him to come in, He waits for you to…trust.

Trust, Trust, Trust.

When you feel like you can no longer keep fighting… keep going. He is with you, He is ready to help… let Him love you.

Let Him work in you. To fix the brokenness and to help protect your heart. To help you fight those deep hard battles, to fight those hard life decisions and to embrace and cover you in His arms.

He dearly loves you!

Trust Him.