Tag: Imperfect

Broken to see You

Krysten.Ivey5 Comments

Peace.

Breathe.

Open my eyes to see you.

Today was a hard day, Jesus.

Really hard.

I started the morning at your feet,

I asked the Holy Spirit to move,

I was playful and excited about the day,

I loved the beautiful sunrise,

It was so colorful,

Like a painting that I can only aspire to ever create,

God, sometimes I need things to slow down,

Just a little bit.

Today, I arrived safely to work,

I walked in with a big smile and I love saying good morning and let’s do this!

Then, the dark clouds come.

I keep praying,

I panic,

My friend prayed with urgency for me,

And as I pondered big questions,

The warfare only got bigger and bigger,

I wanted everything to stop,

The warfare was swallowing me,

Then I broke,

I started crying,

Ugly Tears,

My heart,

Hurt,

I couldn’t stop crying,

Even in the storm, I could see you,

But all I could do was cry.

I used to be able to be a fortress, no tears, tough, nothing got to me,

Then life happened, ugly things happened,

I broke,

I found you,

Learning to start from the beginning,

To learn how to cope and feel safe,

My hope is only in You.

I’m struggling Jesus.

I am who you say I am,

Not what the world says in their anger,

I pray to find rest and peace with you as I continue to find true freedom.

Breathe

Just Breathe

I desire to grow in you and be who you created me to be.

Broken to freedom,

Amen.

Speak Up

Krysten.Ivey1 Comment

I woke up this morning in a box of shame,

I had nightmares again.

Will they ever stop?

And why is it that I never fight hard enough to get away?

And why do I always hear those words?

“Beautiful girl, come”.

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Jesus, help.

Please teach me to speak up and fight.

– KI

Internal Scream

Krysten.Ivey

I don’t know if it is just me,

But I struggle with this tug-of-war,

Heels dug in the ground,

Jaw clenched and sweat on the brow.

Pull, as if to run away, but also to say No!

How do you learn to vocalize the scream?

Where is it safe to do so?

Will other people think I’m weird?

What will it sound like?

A Barbaric Yarp or a mix of shrieking with gasping?

I just struggle with the swirling of the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the joy and the pain.

I keep trying to learn the balance between talking and not talking. Sometimes it feels as if it is easier to say nothing at all.

Here I am.

Waving my hands.

Like an S.O.S.

Visions of breakthrough….

Anything can happen…

Jesus, is it safer to be alone?

To not be a burden to anyone?

To stroll solo without any ties to anyone?

To not share for the fear of abandonment?

Maybe easier?

To be a turtle, to lock up the hurt inside and throw the key away.

To realize that I’m not really here.

It is all temporary.

My home is not here.

It is in Heaven.

Every time I try to dig deep and be me to those close relationships…

I always watch them walk away and I learn that yet again I’m not supposed to say anything.

I’m supposed to care, to love, to be there always listening.

Deep breath, I can’t breathe!

The tears,

I dislike those so much!

I wish I had a magic wand to take away all of the hurt and pain that you and I feel.

Shattered life, Shattered me…

Only He can put the pieces back together.

Please remember that everyone is facing a battle and conversations are so very important.

Postcards sure,

Email sure,

Text sure,

But the really deep connecting stuff,

That is what God desires for us to find only with those He has appointed there in that place.

He is the healer and loving Father.

To trust Him.

To stop talking.

To love Him.

To bow my head.

Peace Be Still.

It Doesn’t Matter… but it Does.

Krysten.IveyLeave a comment

Current deep pain mixed with prior pain from the past can just hit you hard when you are a baby Christian.

Learning can be disrupted when there are clear misunderstandings…especially when you know you’ve been called by God to be part of something that is way bigger than yourself, but the other part of the called does not see it.

Spiritual moms and dads…They are part of a higher calling by God. Whether or not they respond to the call by God to help guide and be alongside those who need to learn…can impact the spiritual family foundation.

Worship, Prayer, Praise… that is the only answer. Leaving the call by God unanswered hurts deeply.

Continue to speak truth, allow the Lord to mend those hurt places and allow humility and grace.

Pray for those who also fight in the trenches with you and pray for the battles that occur everywhere.

May those who are also broken find that they can be made whole in Him.

Change

Krysten.Ivey1 Comment

Change is looked at as positive or negative in most cases based on perception, need, desires, growth, a calling, emotions and feelings.

But if we take a step back…

Can we justify calling anything really negative in the grand scheme of things?

The ebb and flow of life…

It seems complicated by many and orderly to some…but very colorful to others.

Yet still there are shades of gray and days where the dark corners seem easier to find comfort and safety.

It is truly mind over matter?

Or just learning to step back and take a deep breath?

Change.

For growth and development?

For allowing the senses to take a break?

For establishing healthy lifestyle practices?

For finding yourself?

For combating emotional fatigue?

For saying enough is enough?

For discovery and inspiration?

For mental clarity?

…so many ways that change can impact life!

Take a deep, long breath… He knows.

Jeremiah 29:11 Christian Standard Bible (CSB)

11 For I know the plans I have for you”—this is the Lord’s declaration—“plans for your well-being, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

– KI