I don’t know if it is just me,
But I struggle with this tug-of-war,
Heels dug in the ground,
Jaw clenched and sweat on the brow.
Pull, as if to run away, but also to say No!
How do you learn to vocalize the scream?
Where is it safe to do so?
Will other people think I’m weird?
What will it sound like?
A Barbaric Yarp or a mix of shrieking with gasping?
I just struggle with the swirling of the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the joy and the pain.
I keep trying to learn the balance between talking and not talking. Sometimes it feels as if it is easier to say nothing at all.
Here I am.
Waving my hands.
Like an S.O.S.
Visions of breakthrough….
Anything can happen…
Jesus, is it safer to be alone?
To not be a burden to anyone?
To stroll solo without any ties to anyone?
To not share for the fear of abandonment?
To be a turtle, to lock up the hurt inside and throw the key away.
To realize that I’m not really here.
It is all temporary.
My home is not here.
It is in Heaven.
Every time I try to dig deep and be me to those close relationships…
I always watch them walk away and I learn that yet again I’m not supposed to say anything.
I’m supposed to care, to love, to be there always listening.
Deep breath, I can’t breathe!
I dislike those so much!
I wish I had a magic wand to take away all of the hurt and pain that you and I feel.
Shattered life, Shattered me…
Only He can put the pieces back together.
Please remember that everyone is facing a battle and conversations are so very important.
But the really deep connecting stuff,
That is what God desires for us to find only with those He has appointed there in that place.
He is the healer and loving Father.
To trust Him.
To stop talking.
To love Him.
To bow my head.
Peace Be Still.